Remember ME
by Cheria
Summary: Losing is harder when everything is at stake. Gilbert finds comprehending his downfall to be more than difficult. Why do people think deeper when they are closer to death?
1. Chapter 1: Antihero

Disclaimer: I own neither _Axis Powers Hetalia_ nor any of its contents, Himaruya Hidekaz does.

* * *

it makes me feel HUMAN  
WE DON'T HAVE A MOTHER.  
You USED TO BE so much smaller, West.  
_I guess I'm a little ENVIOUS. Not that you need to know that!_  
women aren't SUPPOSED to be as strong as men  
When did I FALL this low?  
**will you remember ME?**  
It's so damned cliché. But it might as well be my GREATEST fear.  
That's laughable. I'm supposed to be STRONG.  
Do I look like a philosopher to you? Stop making me THINK so much.

- - - - - - - - - -

Gilbert remembers. He remembers when Elizabeta gave him a thorough beating, when he pleaded forgiveness from God for committing despicable acts towards the girl, when he beat Roderich's face into the ground, and when it felt as though he ruled the world. He can still feel the satisfaction of victory and how he used to revel in his triumphs.

He is certain he will forever remember his glory crumbling before his eyes.

He cannot fathom how it came to be. He is not going to deceive himself: He had not foreseen the turn of tables. Muddling the truth is pointless and a waste of effort. Instead he chooses to put effort into figuring out where it all started. What prompted his string of losses, and how he is suddenly becoming so much smaller (he refuses to think himself weaker) with each battle that passes.

He has Arthur by his side, but that is not been enough. Arthur's allegiance is questionable, which is in shocking contrast to Gilbert's steel-hard loyalty. No, Arthur forms alliances to get a thrill out of beating around Francis. He does not fight for Gilbert, for Prussia, but for himself. After all, Arthur is notorious for his obsession in tormenting the neighboring country.

Somehow that makes the situation seem worse.

"Whom do you fight for?" is what he wants to ask. Maybe Arthur will surprise him, say something other than himself or against Francis. But even Gilbert understands the futility of the question; England will not hesitate to voice what everybody already knows. As complicated as he is, there are dull points in his character that are far too predictable.

_Whom do you fight for?_

But Gilbert is not one to judge. He, too, fights for himself. He would like to boast that he fights for his land, for Prussia as a whole and for more than the reason that he is its living embodiment, yet that would be a lie. A white lie, perhaps, though that does little to better the falseness in the words. He fights for the rush, that unexplainable glee he feels whenever he knows he will win the fight, the feeling that makes him feel whole.

He wonders what other point there is in fighting.

Contrary to popular belief, he is not a man with blood lust. While Gilbert is not put off in the slightest by the sight of blood, that is not what he seeks out fights for. Rather, he fights in search of glory. It is respect and authority he desires for the sake of being appreciated. There is no other way to prove his worthiness: He is no pianist, no poet, and nothing that involves diplomatic activities.

It is not blood he seeks. He sees enough of the color in his eyes to paint his world red without having to make it spill.

It does not matter to him how much the other nations might disagree with his idea of earning recognition through conquest. A good number of them are guilty of committing the same crimes as he, ravaging others' lands out of their interests.

Yet, Gilbert cannot help but feel that he is the antagonist in the story. A story that is far from being one, else whoever wrote it would be a terrible writer for attempting something so ridiculous. In stories it is clear who the evildoers are, but not in reality. The world is not black and white like how ink is on paper. Antagonists understand that they are the evil ones in the novels and short stories, but Gilbert does not see himself as the antagonist of the war. That is how everybody views him, Arthur aside (although he could be), and he vehemently disagrees in his mind.

Gilbert likes to fancy himself as the antihero. Or the tragic hero, but that would be going over his head, and his life is no play. Anything but the antagonist or the victim.

That is what he would like to think. But life is cruel is as he knows it, and he is nothing special. His mind, however, along with every fiber of his being, rejects the reality. He wants to be different, important, and strong. So he blocks that bit of rationality out and chooses to believe something else; something different, and that he is indeed awesome and a presence to behold. His arrogance prospers from this train of thought, and Gilbert would like to keep it that way.

His ignorance is his character flaw. In his mind everything fits the image of an antihero.

And that is what he wants to be remembered as. An antihero who failed to overcome an obstacle set up by himself.

None of it is Arthur's fault, nor does the blame belong to any of his enemies. The blame does not rest on the war itself. Gilbert would have destroyed himself. He hopes -- _wants_ -- the others to respect this silent wish and allow him to cling onto his twisted beliefs. He is not willing to accept his weak side, and would much rather embrace his flaw he is aware of instead of being confronted with something entirely different.

He wants to be aware of what he will be remembered as. If it is something new he will never know. Therefore it must be a concept he already knows, and what he wants to go by that he knows of is "antihero." And the knowledge will give him a sense of peace, no matter how much he would prefer otherwise in battle. As often as he gives it, Gilbert needs straightforward answers to even things out. He needs to be certain of what he is fighting for, what might happen, what will happen, what everything could lead to.

Gilbert hates the unknown. He wants to remember and know what he will be remembered as.


	2. Chapter 2: Frederick

Disclaimer: I own neither _Axis Powers Hetalia_ nor any of its contents, Himaruya Hidekaz does.

* * *

He has won. The newly earned territory (which is not as new at this point, but it is nonetheless considered to be new) has greatly benefited Prussia thus far. It no longer matters that Gilbert stole it from Roderich. He has won rightful ownership over the land by holding out in the Silesian Wars. Furthermore, his people are content with this additional blessing, and he wishes them to remain so.

He feels as though some sort of terrible burden has been lifted from his shoulders.

But though Silesia is still his, the battle is not yet over. It is far from over: For Prussia -- for Gilbert -- the fight will never end. The fact that Silesia remains in his grasp changes little; it only makes him want more. He fears he might lose himself if he does not continue to engage in combat, and Gilbert does not ever want to fear. So he takes to sitting around for hours, looking out the window longingly for any signs of action.

Despite his loathing of that wretched feeling of possibly losing, he pines for it. He longs for the rush, that need to be perpetually alarmed and on guard.

It is what he was born to do.

Frederick understands this. And because he does he sits across Gilbert one day, whom is lazily sprawled out on the couch with an unfocused gaze.

"Old Fritz."

Gilbert loves Frederick. Frederick has been the spark to his ambition: He lights the dim corridor and leads Gilbert to somewhere promising, somewhere he can get a glimpse of a fine future. Frederick is everything Gilbert wants to and will be, with his own unique twists to create something original. But his king is what starts his imagination and mind going, the very being that motivates him to do more than he already has.

All seems well. Prussia is recovering and prospering, Gilbert feels enlightened, and Frederick grows stronger with each day that passes. But Gilbert knows better: There will be another war in the coming years. No land exists without bloodshed, and he is not the kind to sit still or religiously watch other feuds outside his borders. Perhaps another war will not turn its head towards them while Frederick is in reign, but he can only go for so long without a fight. Prussia will have its share of peace until then.

Yet he finds his desire for more warfare fading as the days pass by. Instead he wishes to spend more time with his king, to simply sit on stand by and enjoy what years he has left with him, because he knows Frederick will not be around forever. As with his predecessors he will grow old and breathe his last breath someday, while Gilbert remains young and energetic.

The thought disturbs him.

But he still has that lingering need to fight. He wonders if this wish will come back full force when Frederick leaves him, and subsequently ends up taking a part of Gilbert's precious drive with him along the way. Now he sits on that couch he once used to look out the window on and ponders over the possibility.

Then, one day, he decides that he likes the present far better than the future. No matter how much of a grand future Frederick shows him through that dimly lit corridor, he will always favor the present. The present has more than the future can ever offer. The present holds peace, prosperity, and Frederick. The future holds wars, political feuds, and loss.

Gilbert does not mind the first two of what the future ensures. He takes joy in participating in battles as a seasoned fighter, and he loves the thrill of conquering and winning. He often ignores political arrangements for them to have any effect on him in the next years. But it is the loss he does not want. Gilbert can take many things that are thrown at him, but he does not want to let Frederick go, along with everything else.

_How does he feel about this?_ To constantly be alongside a non-human being who physically ages at a ludicrously slow pace, Gilbert thinks about how odd it must be for a normal person. He is sometimes thrown off by how quickly people grow and leave. The opposite is to be expected, though each nation's respective citizens appear to swallow the idea of a seemingly young man or woman being the living embodiment of their land rather well. Frederick never once questioned this, himself, though Gilbert figures that is because he has known Frederick since he was a newborn.

Gilbert remembers well the oozing skepticism in his current king's predecessors. With each generation that passed they accepted the knowledge with more ease, partly due to his never aging. Sometimes he has to think over if this abnormality, this inhuman trait, makes him something less than an average human. He at least does not believe supposed immortality equates to being a monster. He is a state.

And then he stops. Every time he arrives to this point in his thoughts he stops thinking. Frederick is still with him, none of his people have directly confronted him about his aging thus far, and nothing will change for the next few decades.

Then, one day again, he receives a lecture in the form of a poor scolding. It is at this point in time Frederick opens another door in the corridor for him. His king pulls him up from the slump he has been in, guides him out of that pit of uncertainty as he shows his state the way again.

Frederick tells him to not rely on him.

And Gilbert obeys.

He wants to fight again.


End file.
